


Without You

by Lilly_C



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-31
Updated: 2009-08-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 18:42:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/409752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilly_C/pseuds/Lilly_C
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cause when you got no one to love you got nothing to lose</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler for Baby Killer.

Alex turned onto the familiar winding road that headed to a secluded coastal village that wasn’t featured on very many maps or road signs. She drummed her fingers against the steering wheel in time to the song on the radio, smiling as she started singing along to it. _You look like a mess I'd like to know. How 'bout movin' just a little closer. I think maybe one day I… I could love you._ “One day Olivia,” she repeated to herself. Pulling into a small car park, she found a space between a van and a pick-up truck.

Getting out she made her way towards the sand, inhaling the sea air and memorizing the late afternoon view. She removed her shoes and assessed the sand, crouching down deciding that it wasn’t worth the dry cleaning bill to get damp sand on her favorite Gucci suit. Tears rolled softly, silently down her cheeks the waves taking her inner turmoil away with every soul cleansing ripple and crash.

*

Olivia sighed impatiently as the phone continued to ring. “Pick up Alex.” She put the phone down for a moment before quickly picking it up and dialing a different number. A woman quickly answered. “Hello?”

“Hayley its Detective Benson. Do you know where ADA Cabot is? We need a search warrant.”

“She left about an hour ago, detective. She might be at her uncle’s that judge you could try him.”

“I’ll do that thanks Hayley. Bye.”

Elliot glanced at his partner. “What?”

“Cabot’s left already.”

“It’s after three, nobody leaves this early.”

“She left around two El.” Olivia made another call. “Can I speak to Judge Herman please? It’s Detective Benson.”

She waited a moment to be connected. “Hi I was wondering if Alex was with you. Her office said she left early and no one at the DA’s office is sure of her location.”

“She sometimes goes to this beach that’s out of the way when she needs to be alone.” Olivia listened for a moment, making a note of the poor directions she was given, quickly ending the call.

*

Glancing at the digital display on the car radio Olivia sighed. “Two hours and one road sign.” She parked her car in front of Alex’s silver Lexus SC convertible which looked decidedly out of place between a decorators van and an un-roadworthy pick-up truck. St Cyrus she wrote on her hand, heading to the sand and Alex.

Olivia crouched besides her watching the younger woman for a few minutes. “You really don’t want to be found do you counselor?”

Alex gasped, startled by Olivia’s interrupting presence. “You’re right detective I don’t want to be found. How did you find me anyway?”

“Your uncle said something about a beach you liked to come to when you wanted to be alone.”

“I used to like this one. It was my place,” Alex snapped.

Olivia backed off a little. “Fine I’ll leave you here then. I can tell you know.”

“Tell what?” Alex mumbled.

“That you really want to get something off your chest but are too afraid to.”

Alex stood, releasing a soft sigh as she made her way towards a collection of benches. Sitting on the one farthest from the steps, in front of a metal railing that still over looked the ocean. 

“You really don’t make things easy do you Alex?”

Alex glared at Olivia. “Will you shut up or leave me alone if I speak?” Olivia nodded her head, moving closer to Alex boxing her in with her body.

The booming crashes of the water hitting the rocks eased Alex into a revelatory comfort that she had never felt before whether she was alone or had company.

Olivia began, “Al.” Alex put her finger to Olivia’s lips to silence her. “Shhh!” for a few minutes they sat in silence as the crashes became more intense Alex cried more freely, acutely aware that Olivia was holding her whispering words of reassurance and comfort in her ear as she unburdened herself. 

A few minutes passed before either of them spoke. “That’s better,” Alex admitted as Olivia pulled away. “You didn’t do anything Alex.”

Alex smiled softly. “I listened to my fears and insecurities been washed away with the tide.”

“Oh god, you’re not a hippy are you?” Olivia asked not knowing whether to laugh or smile.

“No I’m not a hippy.” Alex lightly chuckled at the question. “Coming out here and watching the water helps me to get a perspective on things and it also relaxes me. I found this place by accident and fell in love with it but I still have no idea what it’s called.”

“It’s called Saint Cyrus,” Olivia casually mentioned. “Why did you come out here? Why not find a quiet spot in the park?”

“I was going to go to the park but there were these reporters from the Sentinel and Ledger following me when I left the office, so I took a detour to my uncle’s office and waited for them to give up. They actually gave up a lot sooner that I thought they would. All I wanted to do was flip them off but all I could see was my mother holding the morning edition telling me that ‘a Cabot does not use crude gestures in front of uncouth people. They smile politely and walk away.’ Smiling politely never works.”

Olivia chuckled at the thought of Alex flipping off reporters and of the bollocking she’d probably get but knew that they were from different worlds and had to live by different social rules. “What do you think tomorrows headline will be?” she queried.

“The ice princess versus the second grader.” Alex scoffed. “Of course the sound bites calling me a bitch will all be from people who aren’t involved and don’t know me will be amusing and horrible in equal measure but it should be Charlie taking this heat, not me. He’s the one who wants to prosecute Elias to make an example of him show that we’re being tough on all perpetrators regardless of their age. It sucks.”

Olivia shook her head in disbelief. “Can’t you hand the case off to someone else?”

“No, I already tried that but he wasn’t having it. I don’t want to talk about this case anymore,” Alex said, wiping her tears on her jacket sleeve.

*

The sky and sea slowly took on various hues of brunt sienna and amber as the sun began its nightly descent allowing the darkness to take over for a few hours. “We should head off,” Olivia suggested.

“In a few minutes,” Alex said, rubbing her arms to stave off the impending chill. Olivia removed her coat, placing over Alex’s shoulders. “Thanks.”

The women sat in silence for a while longer, watching the colors dance along the soft ripples of the water in time to rhythm of their own making. Occasionally glancing at each other and smiling, thankful for the company.

Alex got up and quickly slipped her shoes on, she pulled Olivia to her feet and they talked randomly as they made their way to the parking lot. “Can you come to my place when we get back to the city? I need to talk to you about something.”

Olivia’s eyes danced with confusion as to what the something was. “Sure, I’ll follow you back then.”

“That’s good,” Alex replied unlocking her car.


	2. The Longer We're Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler for Baby Killer.

The drive back to the city was particularly arduous for Olivia as a hundred and one disjointed scenarios from a straight-to-video movie played out in her head as to what Alex wanted from her and what was so important that she couldn’t just say what was on her mind while they were at the beach. She turned the volume up on angry music driving CD Elliot made for her when they were first partnered up. Midway through track 7 she mouthed the words cursing them as a though they were an unexpected weapon in a fist fight. _You're so damn relentless, and you will find. The two of us are like two of a kind. But it hits you harder than the other ones._ “Maybe he was trying to tell me something,” she mused pressing the stop button.

Alex parked outside a row of recently renovated brownstones, Olivia did the same. “You live here?” she mumbled.

“Hi Bert,” Alex said to the doorman as she watched Olivia gawp at the building. “Are you coming in Detective?”

Olivia’s cheeks began to flush “Er… I… Yeah...,” she stuttered walking the past the doorman, nervously glancing at him.

“The elevators not working,” Bert shouted.

Alex groaned at the prospect of walking up to the fifth floor. Olivia couldn’t help but chuckle at her reaction.

*

Olivia closed the door of the spacious apartment, this time refusing to be enthralled with the grandeur of her current surroundings. “What did you want to talk to me about?” she asked, hiding her curiosity.

“It can wait. Do you want a drink?” Alex offered.

Olivia turned to face her. “Just tell me what’s not so important anymore Alex.”

“I think I’m in love you,” Alex rapidly blurted out, silently hoping that Olivia hadn’t caught any of her confession.

Looking up at the ceiling Olivia asked the inevitable. “Are you sure?”

Alex sat next to her. “Ever since I watched you and Elliot in the interrogation room with Michael Goran. The way you kept your cool while he lost his was amazing.”

“It was nothing, it comes with the job.”

“Don’t be so modest,” Alex said flirting a little. “The way you kept looking at me when we were in with the grand jury told me everything I needed to know and I knew that we could have something good together.”

“We can’t…” Olivia sighed. “I mean I can’t get involved with someone I work with. I already did that and things got really messy.”

For Alex curiosity was creeping in. “What happened?”

“I slept with Brian Cassidy, he left long before you started working for us. We had a drunken one night stand and he wanted more, much more and I just couldn’t bring myself to set him up like that just to hurt him. Kenneth Cleary owes me.”

All Alex could do was mouth “wow,” at the revelation. “How did he owe you?”

“The call came in about Harper Anderson and that was it. The case became more important than he did,” Olivia recalled without remorse.

“So the rumors about you and sleeping around are true then.”

“Yeah. Don’t tell me you were hoping they weren’t true.”

Alex sheepishly smiled. “A part of me hoped that they weren’t true.”

Olivia glanced at the younger woman for a moment. “It’s only men I treat like shit; I try and make an effort for women,” she admitted offering a small glimmer of hope.

*

Sliding a take out menu from the coffee table to distract herself from the current direction of the conversation Olivia picked small pieces from it, feeling a slight charge as Alex removed the glossy paper from her hands. “Stop it. I’m trying to tell you why I’m falling in love with you.”

Olivia stopped and met Alex’s eyes. “What else has made you feel this way about me?” she asked deprecatingly.

Alex blinked back threatening tears. “You’ve got nothing to lose. I have. For all I know you could walk out of here and tell everyone at work about me.”

Olivia gently rubbed small circles on Alex’s forearm. “I’m not telling anyone anything. That’s for you to do when you feel ready to do it.”

“Kenneth Cleary owes me breakfast and lunch,” Alex joked vainly attempting to lighten the mood. “That means a lot, it really does.”

“You’re not the first person to puke on the sidewalk outside a crime scene Alex and you won’t be the last.”

“I know that but the way you held me and pulled my hair away from my face while reassuring me that everything would be alright made me feel special. That’s weird isn’t it?”

Olivia lightly chuckled. “It would have been weirder had you not had any kind of reaction to the carnage. As for making you feel special, I seem to have that affect on a lot of people.”

“It felt like the whole world ceased to exist and we were the only two people on that sidewalk. I want to feel like I’m the only one everyday and the world belongs to us.”

*

Urging her cell phone to ring, Olivia stifled a loud yawn. “I should get going.” Alex took Olivia’s phone off her. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking how implausible it really is that someone like you can be in love with someone like me when we hardly know each other and we come from opposite ends of the social ladder.”

“So what?” she pleaded.

“There are also the repercussions at work, what happens when people find out about us. You’d get reassigned and I’d more than likely get a rip or worse.”

“I can live with all those ‘what ifs’ if you can,” Alex stated as she carefully traced along Olivia’s jaw, softly capturing her lips to prove her intentions.

For a few moments they silently stared at each other waiting to speak upon the speediness of the change in their dynamic. 

Olivia flashed a warm smile. “You’re a good kisser but things are changing way too fast for me. Can we try doing things more slowly?”

“Let winter pass and I’ll consider it,” Alex demanded.

Olivia retrieved her phone, flipping it open she quickly typed a text message winter ends tonight opting for the send to many facility. She showed Alex the message as well as the two recipients. “Munch is fairly easy going, he’s probably trying to figure out if you’re an alien in disguise but it will take Elliot longer because he’s still pissed about the Morris Commission.”

“The Morris Commission wasn’t my ideal way of getting a job in a new department. How slowly do you want to take things?”

Olivia looked at the take out menus on the table. “If it’s not too late for you we could order in and watch a late movie on TV. Get to know each other better.”

“I’d like that,” Alex said fanning out a selection of take-out menus. “What are we having?”

Olivia mentally recalled the eeny-meeny-miny-mo rhyme. “Chinese. I hear that Uptown Cottage does really good Shrimp lo mein.”

“I’ll phone up in a minute. Do want a drink?”

Looking at the selection of fruit and herbal teas lined up on the counter, Olivia whittled it down to two flavors she liked. “Tea would be good. Have you got any pomegranate and plum flavor?”

“Yes I do.”

Olivia flicked through over 500 channels, deciding on the often repeated Kull The Conquered while Alex phoned their order in and made two cups of tea while they waited for their food to arrive.

*

The early morning sun slightly impaired Olivia’s vision as she attempted to move. She stopped when she noticed Alex had used her stomach as a pillow. The fizz of a now off-air channel buzzed through the speakers realizing they had fallen asleep sometime during the movie. She gently shook Alex “Time to get up.”

“Is it morning?” Alex questioned groggily moving off of Olivia, sitting up she pulled the blanket around her. “What time is it?”

“A little after five. I’m going to have to go.”

“Hit and run,” Alex joked at Olivia’s need to leave.

Olivia hugged Alex. “Not this time. I’ll be back for more if you’ll have me that is.”

“Anytime,” Alex said smiling at the levity of Olivia’s statement. “We’ll have to try and stay awake to the end of the movie next time.”

“Yes we will. Munch said something about drinks after work, do you want to come?”

“Only if you invite me.”


End file.
